It’s not really a secret anymore. We had a lady baby.
Both our boys were a surprise. I had been initially ambivalent about finding out the gender or having it be a surprise, but Janelle and I were swayed by my parents (and chiefly by my Dad) who championed the notion that the reveal of your baby’s gender is one of life’s few remaining great mysteries. Sure, you could argue that anytime you find out it’s like uncovering the mystery, but there’s no real substitute for finding out during the drama of delivery.
Having done it twice that way, I agree. It’s intense and exciting to find out in the moment. But this time around was planned to be the last time and so if Janelle and I were ever going to experience the other side of the coin we only had one shot at it. We put a little twist on it, though. When the time came to find out the gender, Janelle and I had them tell us the results (because Janelle gets gestational diabetes she is deemed high risk and so they do early genetic screens, which include chromosomal information) — and we just didn’t tell anyone else.
We’ve heard from a couple people they think we miiiiight have slipped up on a pronoun with them, but if we slipped up and dropped a “she” we also dropped some “he’s”. I think we were pretty good about it.
It was complicated, but we did it for a couple of different reasons. The first is that it’s fun to have a secret. Though, after long enough I got a little tired of explaining that it’s not that we don’t know but that it’s a secret, so I would just start telling people that it was a surprise.
The second reason is that one of the things we liked with both of our boys was dodging the fanfare around gender. Tell people you are having a boy and it’s all blue and trucks and footballs. Tell people you are having a girl and it’s nonstop pink and princesses and flowers. Two mystery children in, we have more than enough gender neutral babywear and babygear, and we did not relish the idea of a flood of new gear that was targeted to Maya’s gender.
It’s not just for the practical aspect of not actually needing a ton of new clothing for Maya that I am pleased we didn’t get a ton of little girl gear. It’s because I want the boys to see her wearing their old stuff. Of course it’ll be fun to put her in little frilly outfits and dresses and what-have-you, just as it was fun to put the boys into American-flag tanktops and superhero gear. It’ll also be fun to hear Matthew and Joshua remark that Maya is wearing their old shirt or that she is using their pajamas. And it will be extremely valuable for them to know that they are not different from their little sister.
Sure, there are physical and emotional differences between boys and girls… but there are physical and emotional differences between all kids, regardless of gender. Many of the differences we impose on children are actually choices that parents are making on their behalf, and I prefer to give the kids a bit more leeway. That’s why we have one Pokemon-obsessed comicbook lover and one shoe-loving Princess fanatic. I don’t want the boys to get the impression that there are certain things that are only good for Maya and not good for them, and vice versa. Obviously there are exceptions based around utility or privacy — but I want the underlying thread to be that all things that are available to them are available to Maya.
These may be little lessons now, but they are foundational lessons. Telling my boys that some things are not okay for them, even if it’s just silly little clothes and toys, draws a clearer line than I am comfortable with to behaviors when they are adults. If they can’t play with dolls or she can’t have Batman be her favorite, why would it be so strange in 20 years to assume that a woman couldn’t possibly be a suitable boss, or political leader? It’s a slippery slope I have no intention of walking near.
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