Have I used that post title before? I feel like I have, but I’m doing it again.
I would categorize myself as a good parent who is not good at parenting.
Let’s define terms here a little. I am a good Dad to my boys. From the most basic standpoint, I assist in providing them home and shelter and food. But wait, there’s more! I read to them. I play with them. I take them out places to have fun. Joshua gets into Pokemon, so I learn all about Pokemon. I am now no slouch at the card-game and can remember a good number of the MANY names of the little creatures. Matthew likes to dance around so we both put hoodies over our heads and pretend they are long hair so we can twirl and our long hair can spin around. I would call all of these things part of being a Dad.
Parenting (as opposed to just being Dad), though, is something I think of more as a discipline. It’s something that has parameters that can be better defined than the vagaries of what it takes to be a good parent to any given child. Parenting is the aspect of being a Mom or Dad that involves discipline and rigor and enforcement and consistency. I am less good at parenting than I am at being a Dad.
It has occurred to me lately, perhaps because of how much my time with the boys contrasts with my time with Maya, that I spend a lot of time correcting the boys and if not flat-out using “angry voice” certainly sounding annoyed at their behavior. There is a reason for this: their behavior is annoying. I feel that this behavior is a mixture of “kids will be kids” and my indulging them in ways that I am likely not entirely conscious of, hence being bad at parenting.
Perhaps every parent feels this way, but I get the sense in looking at other parents and their kids that they are much more on top of things than I am, or that their children are so much more responsive to the input of their parents. When I see other parents disciplining their kids, it’s typically for a clear infraction. Behavior that is clearly well out of bounds or behavior that was specifically warned against. When I get on the boys about things it feels like I’m harping them for being just, you know, kids.
Joshua gets whiny about things. Matthew needs to be asked and then told about seven times every time he gets to the car to actually get into his seat so I can buckle him. Matthew can’t stop using his feet when sitting on the couch or laying down and so is forever kicking his brother. Joshua doesn’t do a good job listening when it’s time to be done with electronics. The list, of course, goes on.
Typical kid stuff, all of it. But it is there, relentlessly, day-in and day-out and so it’s something that I snipe at because every day it’s all just one more brick on the wall and I apparently have no chill. That it happens consistently though is where my doubt in my skills as a registered and licensed Parenting Practitioner comes into play. You’d think that someone who sees a consistent problem like this would develop a scheme to deal with it. A series of consequences and rewards. An inspiring Henry V style speech. Just… something. Hell, technically this is exactly the kind of thing I get paid to do at work: see a problem in terms of end-user support, devise a better system to ensure it is addressed better in the future. And yet…
I can try and comfort myself by saying that I’m just being myself around the boys, rather than some hyper-defined programmatic version of myself — but I think the truth is probably somewhere closer to my being lazy/not actually knowing what would make the situation better.
Long-term, the boys will be fine. Maya will be fine as well, though she will benefit from a far more experienced set of parents. I expect to have cut down on more than a few of the issues we have with Joshua and Matthew because we’ll know to stop them before they turn into habits. Perhaps I won’t turn out to be a cool parent like Stanley Tucci or Patricia Clarkson in Easy A (worth a watch just for the two of them alone), but it’s not like I’m going to stop being a functional one.
I wanted this post to have more of a whiz-bang ending, but I don’t think it has one. I want to be better at parenting, but I’m not sure I will be, or by the time I am better the kids will be old enough to need a different style of parenting. But that’s okay. I’m still a good Dad. They’ll be fine. We’ll all be fine.
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