There’s a thing I hear all the time from grandparents (though not from either of our parents, actually, at least not to our faces) that always makes me a little crazy.
Stories about kids not wanting to wear pull-ups to bed when they will surely pee at night, stories about kids not wanting to get dressed, stories about kids not wanting to do… whatever. Many times now I hear these situations and others like them brought up and the commentary, almost always from grandparents or parents eligible for grandparenthood, is something like “I don’t know why they don’t just do X. That’s what I would have done.” As if this is something that just never occurred to the parents in question.
So here’s the thing, people who have forgotten how small children can be: You are a special guest star and little kids love seeing you. It is a treat. You’re like the people equivalent of a cookie. So when you ask a child to do something, they’re probably pretty compliant. You are fun and defying you proves nothing in the longterm because you’re not the daily caretaker. But for Mommy and Daddy… well that’s a battle worth waging for a toddler. When you disagree with Mommy and Daddy you are striking a blow at the oppressive parentpire and the cruel parentators that keep childkind down.
Even that is beside the point, though, which is just to say that “No” is powerful. It’s way more powerful than you are remembering and is a brutally effective way for a kid to rebel.
Let’s imagine this scenario. It’s bedtime and time to brush teeth. You get a toothbrush ready to go and say to your child, “Okay, open up and let’s brush your teeth” and they say simply “No” and do not comply. What do you do now? Ask nicely again? Great, let’s do that. No luck? What now? Maybe threaten to take something away? Okay, sometimes that works, let’s try that. No dice? Okay, maybe yell at them a little? Yeah, that never works even if it sometimes feels good. Okay, so what else is in the bag of tricks? Bribery? Not really an option at all actually. Totally counterproductive. Giving up? No, because that’s not really an option. So am I supposed to just strap that kid to a chair and Marathon Man that toothbrush on in?
Or putting on pajamas. Have you ever tried to forcibly remove and then reapply clothing to a toddler that does not want to have that done? There’s basically no way to do that and not be committing some form of child abuse.
When a child chooses to stonewall you, there simply are not options beyond cajoling and bargaining for however long it takes, or taking a hard line stance and attempting to punish them into compliance. One clearly gives the impression you’re not in charge, the other likely yields a tantrum where you have managed to assert your authority but now pajamas are still not on and your child is crying. Not a lot of stellar options.
What experienced parents are most likely remembering is working with a slightly older child who can understand the concept of temporary sacrifice for long-term gains and who is not a little maniac. Even kids only a year or two past toddler-dom know that brushing teeth takes two minutes and two minutes against 30 minutes of getting to watch their favorite cartoon is nothing. A toddler will meet that threat head-on because they have no concept of time and besides they’re not watching TV right now so what’s the big deal.
The dance between trying to enforce the rules, maintain some semblance of a routine and trying to avoid a screaming and crying and flailing meltdown that will manage to both obliterate your child’s bedtime and your own now-precious free time (to say nothing of the chance of waking up a sleeping infant in the next room) is a tricky one. I just wish I heard that being acknowledged a bit more readily from battle-hardened parental vets who were once in this exact same scenario.
Leave a Reply